Frotteurism: speed dating revised
When I think back over the college year that's just been, there are only a few salient things that really come to mind. Working with a pack of seven viragoes on a group project, writing mind-numbing sycophantic screeds for the students' union's own newspaper or getting absolutely slaughtered on my political psychology essay.
However, perhaps the most prominent scintilla of information I absorbed was a story told by our quirky human sexuality lecturer regarding the phenomenon known as Frotteurism. To cut his short story even shorter, he found himself travelling on a bus to Bogotá with a friend about two decades ago and had an unusual experience with a fellow commuter. During the course of the hot, humid journey, for which he found himself standing in the isle of the bus, he had a female passenger quite deliberately rub herself against him time and again, irrespective of the sway of the bus or the juddering of the potholes. Due to the crammed conditions on the bus he thought nothing of it until his friend later enlightened him that he had been 'Frotteurised'.
This got me thinking - and not in a good way. Frotteurs have it easy. When I looked up the psychological definition of Frotteurism I found out that it means the obtaining of sexual gratification by means of rubbing oneself against another, usually unconsenting, person. Can you imagine that – being able to pleasure yourself, possibly to the point of climax, just by rubbing against other people? You might recoil at the idea, maybe even feel nauseous, but I think as sexual proclivities go it has some serious potential.
Imagine the scene: a crowded commuter train at rush hour, bodies packed in tightly, the air humid and hot. Can you think of anything more crushing (and not just physically) and soul-draining than that? It's not exactly conducive to a feel-good factor in the morning, is it? But what if it could be different, what if the commuters could have a little fun while they commuted.
I have found myself in this very position before (arms pinned by my sides, shoulder to shoulder with the rest of the passengers, location of feet unknown) and can't help but think how a Frotteur would see this. He or she wouldn't see this as mind-numbing commuting; it would be more like the land of sexual enterprise. Before the train would stop our resident Frotteur would find themselves a pretty target and sidle alongside them on the platform. As the train stops and the passengers disembark, he would choose his moment very carefully and then slink onto the train beside or just behind his temporary tryst and await the inevitable crush of humanity. After the rest of the passengers got on, he would start to get off, a schwing here and a schwing there against this pretty belle's flanks. Before you know it, he's off at the next stop to light up a cigarette and engage in some pillow talk with the ticket conductor. How simple is that?
And to further bolster the validity of Frotteurism, it would make a fantastic addition to the world of speed dating. Speed dating, to me, has to have been one of the worst ideas since capitalism so anything that can add some levity to it would be a welcome addition. How about Speed-Frotting instead? Rather than have people sit at a table and ramble on for 3 minutes with some asinine spiel about what they do for a living we could have them get into a small Ikea wardrobe together and bump and grind away for the 3 minutes instead. Repeat this about a dozen times in one night and you're bound to have had a good time (not to mention some serious chaffing). I can see it being an instant success; all we'd have to do now is find some hotels or hardware superstores willing to hold the event and we're off - literally.
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