Elizabeth Jenner
6
February 18:02
Things That Get My Goat: Fitt the Second
Dear Mr Ugly Creepy Guy in the Black T-shirt By The Marketplace, Who Blocked My Way When I Was On The Phone And Shoved His Hand On My Breasts And Bum,Hello. Although I would love to say it was a pleasure to meet you, I don't think that I can. You see, although my general demeanour obviously conveyed my extreme interest in your company, in the way that only no eye contact and a phone pressed to my ear will do, and I was obviously desperate to be felt up in my less than low-cut top and kneelength swathy skirt, I am afraid that you were sadly mistaken in your affections.
I would also venture to suggest that maybe this approach is not exactly guaranteed to yield happy results, certainly not at 9pm in the union on elections night and probably never ever, blessed as you are with your singular physical charms and obviously well developed sense of humour. 'Ooh, let's not let the girl past me and feel her up' is always so hilarious. You're just lucky there wasn't a security person nearby, because I would have reported you there and then, and that would have destroyed your entire evening's entertainment of standing near the dancefloor and staring at all the girls who were actually provocatively dressed, and that would have been a crying shame, wouldn't it, as that's the closest you're probably ever going to get to a woman.
And before you denounce me as a prude and a killjoy, as I'm sure you are about to do, let me say that the odd bumpinch or flirt on the dance floor when I'm with a group of people doesn't overly bother me. If I'm dressed to attract that sort of attention, and I'm in a place where it happens a lot, I expect a little of it, and it's usually done in good humour. However, the harassment of a girl on her own who is not dressed particularly provocatively is actually unacceptable, and if you ever do try that on again, I will stab my car key into you where it really really hurts.
I'm glad we got that sorted.
From The Girl Whose Breasts You'll Never Get To See, Ever, Because You're A Tosser.
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