Antony Holmes
14
February 18:02
St Valentine's day
St Valentine, the patron saint of making sad and lonely single people feel like shit.
Stewart Lee, 1996.
3
February 17:02
War chalk
This has already been mentioned in another blog but on rare occasions I make the odd passing comment on some issue...During election time in this process we like to call democracy, where we, the common people, elect into office those who we think will best serve our interests, it is common for nominees to run some kind of campaign to try to demonstrate the skills they have to offer...
Not so at Warwick it would appear. At Warwick one could be quite forgiven for thinking that the suitability of a candidate for Sabbatical Officer should be judged almost entirely by the number of times he or she can shoddily scrawl his or her name onto the pavements and other free surfaces with chalk if current trends are to be believed.
Now, does this person seriously believe that writing "chips" on the floor is going to convince me, the discerning voter, to vote for him or her? Not only is this kind of mediocre advertising unsightly but it is tantamount to graffiti. One must ask the question why should I vote for any of these people when they have exhibited such a lack of respect for public property? It comes across as a complete lack of thought on their part.
Note: Any photos or comments used here pertaining to an individual are for illustrative purposes only and are in no way designed to endorse or vilify any particular candidate.
21
January 00:01
Sequels
Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. You might remember me endorsing my own brand of single use missiles. I also starred in Top Gun, one of the biggest films of the 1980s. Inevitably I've been wanting to make a sequel to cash in on the success. Well the wait is over. I'm proud to present...
Disabled Nascar racing Vietnam War Navy pilot veteran sports agent and plucky barman Tom Smooth owns an arcade where all the kids play a magical Coin-op game that looks suspiciously similar to Sega's Afterburner which allows the arcade to travel back in time to facinating periods of history such as:
- When a young man is taken under the wing of a con artist and shown how to con people out of money in a game of pool.
- When a young man tries to con his autistic brother out of a wedge of cash but comes to realise he's not such a bad egg.
- When a young Irishman with a ropey accent sails to America and races a cart across the Oklahoma Territory to claim a plot of dirt for himself.
- When a Navy pilot learns to be the best of the best.
- When a Nascar driver learns to be the best of the best.
- When a man goes to an orgy and doesn't really learn anything.
- When a young man becomes a spy and goes on some boring caper around Europe which no one is interested in.
See all this and more in the film extravaganza of the year with at least 10% new footage.
30
December 18:12
Fruitful
Friday, the weekend starts here. Up and down this Sceptred Isle millions of Britons prepare to engage in all sorts of nitty-gritty chores. Households across the land will all be singing the same tune as hammers strike out and screwdrivers screw in a DIY war of attrition to see who can assemble that flat pack table from Ikea that was meant to be completed two weeks ago.Well life in my household is no different and so it was that I resolved to repair a much neglected carton of orange juice from concentrate that had fallen into a sorry state of disrepair. It also proved to be an excellent opportunity to make a few long overdue improvements to the carton using my finely honed practical skills.
The useless carton in question. Look at that. The lid just snapped off in my hand.
The first step was to assemble the correct tools for the job.
Due to the nature of the task in hand and its complexity I had to select some specialist implements.
Now, as we all know, almost all DIY projects require screws so I made it an absolute priority to use some in mine since they were bound to improve the carton in some way.
Some carefully positioned screws help to strengthen joints.
Much better now methinks.
The next problem I tackled was the faulty lid. I needed something secure to hold it down. Nothing says security more than a big nail.
When I nod my head, you hit it.
Nice and secure. Sorted.
Don't you just find that pouring from a carton is a bit slow and cumbersome? I know I do. One of my upgrades was therefore to install a plug so that the carton can be rapid emptied if necessary.
This kind of plug can be bought from any hardware store.
Now I can get access to the juicy goodness forthwith.
But oh dear. DIY projects always have problems and mine was no exception. A cutting tool went astray and made a hole in the carton where it shouldn't have been.
What a disaster. That blasted hole has impaired the carton rendering it useless as a container.
It looked like all was lost but then some green insulation tape came to my rescue...
Good as new after two days hard work. Saf.
All was saved and the carton was fully restored to its former glory. Another successful DIY weekend.
14
December 18:12
Why not try?
Why not try annoying BAA by legally changing your name to Keith Row and opening your own illegal self titled international airport hub somewhere in the Hounslow area of London.Hello. My name is Keith Row and welcome to my airport.
12
December 00:12
This green and peasant land
England; home of the teabag, the coal scuttle, binge drinkers and the pencil.Today I felt proud to be English.
I took a stroll through an English wood on an English Sunday afternoon wearing my English coat and my shoes bought in an English shop.
In the distance were the sounds of English birds chirping and English chain saws cutting down English trees to aid in the construction of an English car park.
I took in an English breath of fresh air, stared at this English vista and heard an Englishman whistling the theme tune to Postman Pat, an English animation, somewhere ahead of me perhaps to beckon his English dog.
After my English walk I took an English slow bus to my English house which took an English long time and I was English annoyed when I got back because it was English late.
All in all a very English day.
6
December 22:12
Rap Tracks
This week my investigative journalism eye trawled the sum of mankind's knowledge of the world to investigate yet another issue pertinent to the zeitgeist.Fans of gangsta rap might remember with fond reverie the heyday of music scene during the late 1980s and the early 1990s. One the biggest proponents of the genre and arguably one its most influential and commercially successful artists is Ice-T (pictured below).
Ice-T, da man
Ice-T has notched up many hit records most notably the infamous "Cop Killer" and has also dabbled in acting though with somewhat less success. All this aside however, the most interesting facet to the Ice-T story is his slightly curious name. Where did it come from? What inspired him to come up with this tag?
Some say Ice-T was influenced by and takes his name from Iceberg Slim, an African American pimp-turned-author. Others say his name is also a pun on iced tea. I think both of these are spurious at best and I have come up with a much more innovative theory.
It cannot have escaped most readers' attention that the state owned German railway corporation Deutsche Bahn operates one of the most efficient rail services in Europe. The flagship of their fleet are the InterCity Express high speed trains serving major principle European cities. The first generation of these trains were designated ICE 1, the second ICE 2 and so on and so forth. During 1998 a tilting version of the trains was introduced classified ICE-T (that sounds familiar). My unique theory therefore suggests that Ice-T is in fact an ardent rail fanatic who was so impressed with German high speed train technology he felt compelled to name himself after his favourite piece of equipment and his name has nothing to do with his background or the formative stages of his life.
ICE-T baby
There a couple of loose ends in my theory that need to be tied up however such as how he was using the name Ice-T some ten years before these trains were put into service but once I've ironed out these small details my idea will be water tight.
The flip side of my argument is that Deutsche Bahn were so impressed with Ice-T's contribution to world music that they thought they would honour him with his own brand of high speed trains for that ultimate bling status symbol. The only logical conclusion I can draw from this gesture is that Ice-T somehow manages to embody all of the qualities associated with high speed mass transportation systems of the late 20th century. Rock n' roll.
More hard hitting investigative journalism coming soon.
2
December 00:12
Film noir
During the long winter months, when there is nothing to do, one must explore alternative ventures in order to alleviate boredom. This winter I decided to make an art house film because I couldn't think of anything better to do.But where to film it? I needed somewhere steeped in history, culture and the arts to provide me with inspiration. Oxford beckoned to me and so one fateful November morning I trotted off on my merry way to the town of dreaming spires.
On the train I pondered whether having no script, no actors and a lack of proper equipment might somehow impair me but in the end I decided to carry on regardless since it would be a waste of a good train ticket otherwise.
So who could I get to act in my film? I needed a thespian, but where would I find a thespian in Oxford? Well fortune smiled on me for as I stepped out of the station, I happened to chance upon the mystery man whose life seems to mysteriously intertwine with the events of this blog. He seemed more than willing to help me out with my little endeavour and so we set off armed with nothing more than a digital camera and my creative genius to make art come alive.
I come from the school of minimalist direction which means I basically point the camera and say nothing. Some might argue this is controversial but I disagree. Just look at the finished masterpiece. The result elicits a certain pathos and I think captures a raw energy and passion that almost brings a tear to the eye.
You can download a copy of my film by clicking here.
16
November 22:11
Oneupmanship
Georgia State University recently announced the opening of a multi-million dollar new Humanities building. Not to be outdone and realising that our very own Humanities building is nearing the end of its life, university officials decided to be as equally lavish and show just how important the Arts are here as well. It seems the budget couldn't quite stretch as far as Georgia however...
...and the improvements seem to have mainly consisted of painting two concrete bollards in the university colours. They did make a pretty neat job of it though.
This is exactly the kind of gesture we need to showcase the hallmark institutions of Great Britain, the world's fourth largest economy, to the world.
28
October 11:10
Time and motion studies
Campus security is often lambasted for being somewhat incompetent and unhelpful with numerous disgruntled students recounting anecdotes of their encounters with the "boys in blue". A load of hot air and opinion wheezing from the blogs is by no means an objective way of concluding how good or bad security are however. To this end I set about conducting a sophisticated time and motion study to provide more quantitative data to help answer this conundrum.Security are particularly fond of taking bikes that have been left idle which they presume are no longer in use (for what nefarious purpose I'm not quite sure). But just how efficient are they at spotting suspect bikes? Well, to put your minds at rest, at great personal expense and inconvenience I locked a bike up in one of the car parks and promptly left it to see what happened...
Well, as you might have guessed, nothing gets past the keen eyes of our dedicated security experts because just two and half years after leaving the bike to rot a removal notice was placed on the handlebars and just a further five weeks after that the bike was removed. Wow, that's fast you might say but I still think there is room for a little improvement.
The following graph summarises my findings:
Next week I'm going to demolish one of the accommodation blocks to see how long it takes for security to notice that one of our residences is missing.
29
September 15:09
Why not try...
Why not try visiting Beanworld, Britain's only bean museum?Beanworld is a veritable bean exposition and park dedicated to the humble legume with various themed areas suitable for all the family:
Bean around the world
Visit our giant rotating model of the earth that has a large bean suspended above it. The bean casts a giant bean shadow over the globe for no particular reason.
You've bean framed
Visit our gallery of priceless bean works of art through the ages.
Bean and gone
Visit the bean graveyard and discover all of the varieties of bean that are either extinct or out of fashion. You might be surprised what's in here!
Ich bean ein Berliner
Speculate on whether JFK was interested in beans whilst learning about his supposed misuse of the German language in this facinating interactive exhibit.
I've bean thinking about you
Visit the Beanworld bean giftshop for all manner of bean related gifts suitable for any occasion. Buy one of our famous bean tee shirts sporting classic lines such as "I love beans", "Dad loves beans" or "Mum loves beans".
I've bean to Beanworld. Have you?